Polygamy is the New Black

I’m not sure if I was just naïve and inexperienced for so many years or if I chose to not see what was really going on around me. It really felt like all the cheaters were coming out of the closet all at once and infidelity was the trendy thing to do. When I had to repeat my story to different friends or coworkers about why I am now single, I suddenly became numb about it and told the story very nonchalantly. I mean what really made me so different than others that have been cheated on? Hasn’t everyone been cheated on at one point or another? Well, that’s what it felt like after being surrounded by different situations shortly after my breakup.

I was very fortunate of the support group I had, including his friends, which he was unaware of. One of his friends, who we will call J, reached out to me shortly after. He was one of those friends that is very unpredictable and very very obnoxious. I was definitely not going to miss J, but I appreciated the empathetic email I received from him. J was planning a trip to Argentina with his girlfriend and wanted to get my recommendations on places to go since my family is from there. However, I was unfamiliar with the places he was planning to visit so I told him I was not going to be much help. I would continue receiving text messages from him about getting a bite to eat or going out for a drink. I never thought much of it since he had a girlfriend (as if I didn’t learn my lesson from my own situation). I had no intention of ever hanging out with J since I did not enjoy his company even when I was with X so I was definitely not going to enjoy his company now. I started getting a little concerned when I started receiving messages from him at 1-3am about wanting to come over my place. Luckily he did not know where my new apt was. He would then apologize the next day since he was drunk at the time and said he was drunk dialing several people so I just brushed it off. One night the texting got out of control. He basically was calling for a “booty call”. I tried to bring him back to reality and give him some advice on not cheating and the consequences that could come out of it. He quickly responded with “I would never cheat on my girlfriend!” The rest of the conversation went…

            Me: I’m sorry, maybe I misunderstood, sounded like you would have with me.

              J: Well, if anything were to happen then I would tell her.

            Me: You make no sense and it sounds like you need to deal with your issues with

                    your girlfriend. BTW, I thought you were X’s friend?

              J: I would only hangout with him to see you.

The messages quickly got very uncomfortable and I stopped responding. In a way I wanted to make sense of the situation and pick his brain as to why he was acting the way he was. In a weird way I thought if I kept asking all the questions I wanted to know about my past situation, I would get all the answers as to why X did what he did. I quickly realized that I may never understand it and that this is a completely separate situation of craziness. The only possible similarity with both situations is that J and X were fucked in the head and I really had nothing to do with it. The next morning he sent me a message letting me know that he was not going to mention the conversation to X. I on the other hand had nothing to hide and told X everything that happened. X was not happy but it’s no longer my problem.

The preceding year was surrounded by situations of infidelity due to people being unhappy in their relationships. Is infidelity the only route to take without dealing with the problems? All these situations and unhappy relationships made it feel really good to be single. However, I started to date a lot, but had the tendency of writing men off real quick. I do not enjoy being alone and really do miss being in a relationship but the idea of dealing with infidelity again makes me physically ill. Being intimate with someone without having emotions involved made things so much easier. The downside of that though, is the sex isn’t that great when there are no emotions.

A year came and went and another trip to Montreal was way over due. Jonathan would continue contacting me on a quarterly basis through email. His behavior towards me would make one believe we had a torrid love affair when in actuality we had a really good time at a house party. There is no doubt about the bond we had that night over our recent heartbreaks. We pretty much gave each other the affection one another needed to deal with the pain. I also liked the idea of knowing people all over the world to have friends to visit so I would continue responding to his quarterly emails even though he would disappear every now and then. Anther three months went by and he contacted me in August asking me when I was coming to visit. We scheduled another trip for the first weekend in September and made plans to see Jonathan on that Saturday. That Saturday morning I received a text from him asking if we can still meet up which I responded with “of course, let me know when you’ll be around”. KB and I went walking around that day to eat and shop. As we were walking down the street we noticed a familiar looking guy with his arm around a girl passing us by. I quickly looked over to KB and said “wasn’t that…”  Jonathan apparently was not single and after he was caught I haven’t heard from him since and nor do I want to. As shitty as the situation was, I really needed to see that and I almost think that someone was looking over me to make sure I was aware of what his situation really was.

With all the crazy infidelity situations I’ve been surrounded by, I still refuse to believe that everyone would choose that route. I know the way I am and if I would choose another more ethical route, I would like to believe someone else would too. I just have to remind myself that even though being single can be lonely at times, being in a bad relationship is even lonelier.

C'est La Vie

Amazing how one’s life can change in a matter of minutes. One moment you’re living with your boyfriend of 11 yrs and the next moment you’re kicking him out of your apt after reading a 5 page email from his mistress of how he’s done you wrong for the past 7yrs. Where does one go after finding out your relationship has been a scam? Therapy? Nah, that’s too cliché. Jump off a roof? Nah, wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Montreal!!! Montreal, the land of beautiful people, good food, and a wonderful public biking system.

I had a Montreal trip planned for the end of the month with my boyfriend which fell through after I found out he was a douche bag. Luckily my really good friend, KB, lived around the corner from me was planning a solo trip to Montreal that same weekend. I already canceled my reservations but then decided to go with her since I needed to get out which was the best decision I ever made.

I vowed that I was not going to act like the typical woman that just had her heart stomped on. I refused to let this break me down and control my life. I’m not going to lie though, the first couple weeks were brutal. Couldn’t eat, sleep, or stay in our apt for more than 15minutes unless it was time to go to bed. Thanks to some good ol’ sleeping pills and a little Mary Jane, I slept like a baby at night. I also refused to talk about him during the trip, didn’t want to ruin my time or KB’s time by being a Debby Downer. Having this trip to look forward to was helping and since I was now single I needed to buy some new single clothing to put myself back in the game. However, this was going to be a completely different game than it was 11 yrs ago when I was only 19. Back then, I could care less about marriage, having kids, money and stability. I was also very uncomfortable under my own skin, a virgin, naive, and living with my parents. Now I’m in my thirties…nuff said. Long story short…I was scared as fuck! Did I show it…hell no!!

Day one we get to our room at Le Nouvel and it wreaked of cigarettes. We ran to the drug store for Fabreze and it still smelled after using the entire bottle. Little fact about people from Montreal, they love to smoke. We head over for some sandwiches at a local spot, sit outside, ordered a delicious merguez sandwich with a mixed green salad and chased it with some mojitos. I sat back for a second to enjoy the ambiance which made me smile. Looking around at the cobblestone roads, the French wording on all the storefronts, the affectionate couples and the children sounding like Jerry’s French cousin from “Tom and Jerry”, all makes me happy. We walked around the rest of the day before heading back to our hotel to get ready for the night. That night we head over to La Sala Rosa to check out this band “Stereo Total”. I was pretty exhausted from the long active day we just had so I was not planning to stay for too long. After "Stereo Total" finished their set, we were going to leave after one more drink. As we leaned against the bar watching the next band perform, I couldn’t help but notice this really attractive man standing next to me. I have no idea how to approach the situation so I figure if I just make eye contact and keep glancing over from time to time, he may just notice that I’m checking him out and start talking to me. Unfortunately, he kept doing the same but wouldn’t talk to me. It wasn’t until KB got frustrated and said “oh come on! This is getting ridiculous! If you don’t talk to him then I will!!” She went over to him and his friend and said “will you be our translator since we don’t speak French?” Lucky for me he spoke English very well, gave me a big smile and introduced himself as Jonathan. We must have spoke for about an hour before he invited us to his friend’s house party. We leave the bar with a group of his friends who do not speak English very well but try their best to keep us in their conversations. We playfully try to learn some useful words in French while we walk over to the party. As we walk, Jonathan proceeds to hold my hand and looks at me as if we’ve been with one another for years. We spoke Spanish to each other since he lived in Argentina for some time, which is a nice surprise since that is where my family is from. I’m on cloud 9, I suddenly feel something that I haven’t felt in years, pure happiness. For a moment the question pops into my head “how can I have felt so down a few days ago and feel so up right now?” Then I realize that it really doesn’t matter at this moment and to just enjoy this feeling before it fades.

We get to the party and Jonathan leads me to the roof top of this house which is an amazing view. We find a nice quiet spot away from everywhere and sit as close together as possible without having to sit on his lap since it was a bit chilly. I ask him why it took him so long to talk to me and he then tells me how he is going through a break up and looking for a new place to live. I stop myself from pushing him hard as if I’m Elaine from Seinfeld and yelling “GET OUT, me too!!!” After bonding over our break ups, he leaned over, looked into my eyes and I then felt his warm full lips press on to mine. My entire body suddenly felt warm. I haven’t kissed another guy other than my ex in quite some time and if felt so damn good. He was so gentle but so passionate at the same time. I didn’t want to stop kissing him and I wanted him to take me then and there. After having our little make-out session, we go back down stairs to find KB. She had probably met the entire party while I was gone since she was surrounded by new friends bringing her over drinks and some even telling her their problems. The rest of the night was pure euphoria with this very attractive man that has a very sexy accent swooning all over me. By the end of the night he asks me where I was sleeping. I really wanted him to come with me but I was sharing a room with KB and not to mention I was a rookie when it came to meeting men and sleeping with them the first night. We exchanged numbers and made plans for the following day before KB and I went back to our hotel.

The next day we met up with Jonathan and his friends at a local park and watched them play softball. The vibe seemed to change that next day between us so we didn’t stay too long. The rest of the time we texted back and forth but we didn’t meet again. I didn’t let it ruin my time and pretty much took it for what it was…an amazing night. If it wasn’t for our brief interaction, I would have continued to be scared as fuck to be single again. Meeting him made me realize that it’s not so hard being single and meeting men again. It made me feel wanted and that’s all I was looking for at that time. I do keep in touch with Jonathan and hoped to some day meet again. The rest of the time we spent it enjoying the food, the views, the biking, and the nightlife. The trip was very therapeutic and it led to the planning of many other amazing trips.