Happy Holidays???

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always looked forward to the holidays minus the crummy weather. Since my extended family lives in Argentina, my immediate family would get together every year with close friends that also had family in Argentina. All the kids were around the same age so it was always a good time after the occasional fight here and there. Christmas Eve would be the big party with the friends and we would open some gifts there, then when we would come home, more gifts would magically appear under our Christmas tree which we would open the next morning. As I got older, traditions would change but that warm feeling of being with the people you loved, surrounded with good food and music never changed. I never really felt like I aged during the holidays, always felt like that 10yr old kid enjoying all the decorations, lights, Christmas music, Christmas movies and of course, the wonderful gifts. Following Christmas was New Years which was also spent with good friends and family laughing, dancing, eating and reminiscing good memories of the years past.

In the beginning of my relationship with X, the holidays were extra special since he was going to art school in San Francisco so would come home for a couple months to visit. I would go over his father’s place Christmas Eve after celebrating with my family and we would exchange gifts. Being a new couple, we were just starting to get to really know each other and trying to figure out what each others interests were so the gifts were very simple in the beginning. As the years went on, we would almost compete with the amount of gifts we would get each other and try to top the other. When we finally moved in together, our tree was filled with presents for each other. Christmas Eve we would open one gift, then Christmas day we would open the rest. I even enjoyed all the holiday parties we would have to go to since his parents were divorced, we would have his father’s party which was a couple weeks before Christmas, his uncle’s party a week prior to Christmas, my parent’s house Christmas Eve, his mother’s house Christmas day. Most would get annoyed with all the running around, but I loved every minute of it.  I really enjoyed being surrounded by all the different families and all the very different personalities.

My emotions were definitely a roller coaster ride after our break up. I kept myself really busy with my friends and traveling so I didn’t allow myself to be alone with my thoughts for too long. When the holidays came around that first year, I was a mess. Things were definitely different and I wasn’t ready for that empty lonely feeling. I tried my best to hold my head up and make up my new traditions with my friends and my immediate family. When December finally came, I bought a Christmas tree with my friends and we decorated it together. I then planned a holiday party with all my friends and it was a great time. Everything I was doing seemed to help, but it was only suppressing my emotions. My sister was having Christmas for the first time in her house in Connecticut so I drove there Christmas Eve. On the 2 hour drive there, my emotions finally came to the surface and it was such a dark time for me. At that moment, I received a call from X’s mom while I was driving. I could no longer hold it in and couldn’t stop crying while talking to her and she did the same. We were once family and that was all taken away the night I received that horrible email. There was no maintaining that relationship with his family since there was no longer “us”. Not only did he and I break up, but I also broke up with his entire family. I got to my sisters and that night and I had to sleep with my mother since there is only one guest room so I share it with my mother and my father gets the couch. I’m not one to really share much with my family, but that night I could no longer hold back. I held in my feelings until I crawled into bed and my thoughts were going crazy. I started to weep and my mother tried to comfort me. All I really needed at that moment was a shoulder and luckily my mother was there to give it to me.

The holidays of 2010 were finally over and the worst year was now the past. As time went on, I felt better about our break up. He would be on my mind every now and then, but I started to realize I am better off without him in my life. 2011 flew by and it was a much better year with only a few hurdles. The holidays were coming up and many plans were made. Starting with November, there were parties almost every week until New Years. The holidays were once again a happy time and it felt good being surrounded by my friends. Christmas was around the corner and as days went by my happiness began to fade. I suddenly couldn’t get X out of my mind and I couldn’t stop thinking about the traditions we once shared. It got to a point that I would start crying out of nowhere and I became very depressed and scared. I really couldn’t understand where all this was coming from since I have been doing so well this entire year. I started to think about getting help so I called a therapist the week of New Years to make an appointment since I could no longer deal with my emotions. My depression started to get the best of me and I believe it started affecting my immune system since I started feeling pretty ill. I took every supplement I could to boost my immune system so that my New Years Eve wouldn’t be ruined. On New Years Eve I was completely burnt out, but I drank as much fluids I could so that I can get through the night since I had big plans with friends. We all got dolled up and it turned out to be an amazing night of eating, drinking, laughing, and dancing. It was exactly what I needed.

When I woke up on New Years Day, a strange feeling of happiness came over me. I and about 15 others had plans to go over my friend KK’s apt that is in my building for brunch. The entire day was spent eating, joking around and whole lot of laughter. I don’t think I have ever laughed that much in one day. It all finally made sense to me as I sat there and looked around at my inappropriate friends that day. I have something now that I haven’t had for years, a great group of friends that are always there for me and that truly care about me. Being in a relationship, I had different small groups of friends that I would see sporadically, but most of my time was spent working during the week and hanging out at home with my boyfriend on the weekends. Also, I really wasn’t happy with him for a long time so it was very lonely which is a different type of loneliness than what I’ve been feeling being single. It’s easy to only think about the good of what a relationship once was, but in reality there was more bad than good when we were together. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t change anything that has happened the past 2 yrs. I am happy things ended the way they did. I may get down and I may miss being in a relationship, but I really don’t miss being with him. I’m happy with the life I have and the wonderful friends that surround me. It may take years before I find someone that is right for me which is something I have come to terms with. It really is true when they say time heals all wounds. I guess I just need a little more time.